


Letting Go

by kitlee625



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, Pre-Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-30
Updated: 2013-11-30
Packaged: 2018-01-03 00:50:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1063702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitlee625/pseuds/kitlee625
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I tried to comfort her, but she wouldn't tell me what went down in there."<br/>"What did you say?"<br/>"I said the words I thought she needed to hear."</p><p>May and Coulson deal with the aftermath of Bahrain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Letting Go

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, I can't not come up with backstories for these characters. This is my version of what happened after Bahrain, as seen through my shipper-goggles. Written after 1x09, so will surely be Jossed at some point.
> 
> In 1x09 May tells Coulson that she told Tobias "same words you said to me in Bahrain." I am choosing to ignore the "in" part of that line, and to take a more narrow interpretation of how much of her speech to Tobias she took from what Coulson said.
> 
> As always, lots of thanks go to my beta reader, Sarahastro.

It is rare that they are all in the same place, and so even though they are scheduled to depart at 0500, Coulson and May agree to meet Romanov and Barton for drinks the night before they leave. There is a nondescript bar only a few blocks from S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters that is popular with agents because of its no-frills, discreet atmosphere and its plethora of emergency exits. Barton had introduced them to the place years ago, and he likes to brag that he knows more secret routes in and out than even the owner.

When they get to the bar Clint Barton is already sitting in a booth with a pitcher of beer. “You’re late,” he says as he pours each of them a drink.

“Sorry, but we had a briefing,” Coulson says.

Barton smirks. “Is that what you guys are calling it now?”

May shoots him a dirty look. “For our mission tomorrow.”

“Where are you guys going?”

Coulson says, “That’s classified.”

Barton rolls his eyes. “Do you always have to be such a suit, Coulson?”

May shrugs and smiles at Coulson. “I like his suit. Where’s Tasha?”

“Running late. She was testing a new plane out at the airfield.”

May nods appreciatively. “I saw the specs on that plane. I hope it’s as good as it looks on paper.”

Romanov slides into the booth next to Barton. None of them see her come in, but Natasha Romanov is one of the few people who can evade the three of them. “It’s not,” she tells May with a scowl. “One of the engines lost power midway through the flight. I had to pull out a few tricks to get it back to the airfield in one piece.”

“What did you do to it?” May asks.

Romanov smiles mischievously. “They told me to see what it could do.”

May and Barton laugh.

“What are we drinking?” Romanov asks. She takes a sip of Barton’s beer and makes a face. “Don’t you want to drink some real alcohol?”

“I like beer,” Barton says. “I’m a simple Iowa guy.”

“Let’s do shots.” When Barton shakes his head, Romanov turns to May and says, “I know you’re always up for shots.”

“Wheels up is at 5 am,” Coulson reminds her.

May rolls her eyes at him. “Always,” she tells Romanov. They go to the bar together, and after taking their vodka shots May orders another one, this time of pepper-infused vodka.

Romanov raises her eyebrows questioningly, but May puts a finger to her lips. May and Barton have been pranking each other since they were junior agents, and she never can resist an opportunity to get one over him.

“Don’t you think you and Barton are too old for this kind of thing?” Romanov asks.

May smiles. “It keeps us young.”

She palms the shot, and they return to the table. In their absence the men have ordered some nachos and wings, and May waits until Barton is concentrating on the food before slipping the shot into his beer. Barton eats a few jalapenos and takes a large gulp of beer, only to spit it out as soon as he registers the pepper flavor.

“May!” he complains.

She smiles proudly, but beside her Coulson looks decidedly unamused. He is soaked with beer from being in Barton’s line of fire. He wipes the beer off his suit with a paper napkin and sighs. “Aren’t you two getting a little old for this?”

May says, “It’s payback for the Shower Incident last year.”

Romanov rolls her eyes while Barton chuckles at his own cleverness. “That was a good one.” He had filled the shower head of the shower on May’s temporary housing floor with grape Kool-aid powder. Barton had tried to time it so that May would get doused rather than another agent, but he had not anticipated May letting Coulson take a shower before her that morning.

Coulson sighs. “Why do I always end up being collateral damage?”

Bored by all the pranks, Romanov changes the subject to a young man she met at a club in London who tried to hit on her while she was on her last mission. She tells the story carefully, leaving out all details about what she was doing at the club in the first place, but it is still funny. It can be hard being friends and being S.H.I.E.L.D. agents. S.H.I.E.L.D. is all about secrets, and so much of their lives are classified. May wonders how agents can have friendships or romantic relationships with someone who is not a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, how any civilian could understand what their lives are like. Even if she cannot share the details of her life with her friends, they understand her.

Beside her she can tell that Coulson is eager to leave. He likes Barton and Romanov well enough, but they are more her friends, both of them specialists like her.

After she finishes her beer she says, “Phil and I should probably go. We have an early departure.”

Coulson nods, but Barton protests. “It’s not that late. Come on May.”

“Are you flying the plane?” Romanov asks. When May shakes her head she says, “So why go home? Just sleep on the flight.”

Coulson blushes as she says, “Phil and I weren’t planning on doing a lot of sleeping tonight.”

Romanov says, “You can do that on the plane too.”

May just shakes her head. “Sorry guys. We’ll have to do this again soon. Maybe when we get back?”

Romanov says, “Sure, if we're not on assignment.”

Barton shrugs. “It was good to see you guys. May, next time I see you, I owe you one.”

“I’ll be watching my back,” she says with a smile.

Coulson and May are quiet on the cab ride back to his apartment. Once inside she says, “Thanks for coming out tonight.”

“Of course.”

“It's been a long time since I've seen Clint and Tasha.”

He pauses before saying, “It's been a long time since we’ve seen each other.”

She smiles at him. “I know. I'm glad we're going to be on assignment together.”

He glances at his watch. “The car is going to be here in four hours to take us to the airfield.”

“Perfect.” She kisses him as she pulls off his suit jacket. “We can sleep on the flight to Bahrain.”

*****

The tale of what happened in Bahrain has already spread through S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters when they return. As they walk to the debriefing with Fury, Coulson can hear the whispers that follow her. He keeps hearing the same stupid nickname repeated over and over again: The Cavalry, and he can tell by the way her posture stiffens every time she hears it that it bothers her.

Normally they are careful not to show affection at S.H.I.E.L.D., but Coulson squeezes her hand in the elevator. He tries to give her a reassuring smile, but she pulls away and stares straight ahead. She has been like this since it happened. She has barely said a dozen words since Bahrain, but her haunted expression has said more than enough.

In Fury’s office she stares straight ahead at the wall behind the Director's head as he questions them both about the mission. Coulson takes the lead explaining what happened when they found the gifted individual and her followers. When he gets to the part where May went into the compound alone, he pauses, hoping that she will say something, but she remains silent. Quickly he fills in what happened next: May returned and said that the enemy force had been eliminated. They went in and rescued the hostages.

Fury looks expectantly at May. “Well Agent May, anything you would like to add?”

“No sir.”

“No sir? What about what happened when you went into the compound?”

“It is in my report.”

Fury holds up her typed report, which is only four lines long. “I was expecting a little more detail than this.”

May glances at Coulson but does not say anything else. Fury gets her meaning though and says, “Agent Coulson, you are dismissed.”

“Sir?” Coulson is surprised.

“That was not a suggestion, Agent Coulson.”

Coulson cannot help but be curious as he waits outside of Fury's office for May. She is in there for a long time, and he wonders if he should go back to his desk to wait for her, but he is not sure that she will find him when she is done.

When she finally leaves Fury’s office they get their things from the plane, and Coulson takes her back to his apartment. This time they do not even bother with the pretense of May requesting a room in temporary housing.

“Do you want something to eat?” he asks. “I could order some take out or make you a sandwich.”

She shakes her head. “I’m tired.”

It is the first thing that she has said in hours. Coulson jumps all over the words. “Okay, well you can go to sleep now. I think the sheets on the bed are fairly clean. I can sleep on the couch if you want.” He feels awkward adding the last part. They have spent so many nights together that it seems silly, but they have barely touched since they left Bahrain.

She shakes her head. “It’s fine.” She goes into his bedroom, takes off her clothes, and climbs into bed wearing only her underwear. Normally the sight of May in her underwear never fails to arouse him, but there is something so mechanical and detached about her actions, it only highlights how empty she seems now.

He takes a minute to brush his teeth before joining her. She is lying on her side facing the wall, and he cannot tell if she is awake or not.

“Melinda?”

There is no response. He decides he should not risk waking her up. She has not slept much the past few days. Fury has given them both the next day off, and Coulson falls asleep wondering what they should do with their day off. He wants to do something to make her feel better, but he is having trouble of thinking of things they enjoy doing together besides having sex, drinking, and pulling pranks.

The next night they try to have sex for the first time since Bahrain, but almost immediately Coulson regrets initiating it. She lies very still beneath him the entire time, and at one point he wonders if she is going to cry.

He is so confused that he stops and asks, “Are you okay? Am I hurting you?”

She just shakes her head.

He rolls off of her and asks, “Melinda, what’s wrong?”

By this point he is not surprised when she turns her back to him. He rolls off the bed and starts pulling his clothes back on. “Do you want to get dressed?” There is no answer, so he just pulls the sheet over her naked body, then turns off the light and lies down on his side of the bed.

*****

When Barton invites them out for drinks before he heads out on assignment, Coulson immediately agrees. He has run out of things for the two of them to do together days ago. When he tells May about their plans, she agrees without hesitation. He picks her up at her desk, and they walk to the bar together. This time they are the first to arrive, and he orders a pitcher.

“Is beer okay? Or are you and Tasha going to want to do shots?” he asks, not really expecting an answer. At this point he talks just to fill the silence between them.

“Beer is fine,” she says. “Thanks for arranging this. It'll be nice to see Clint and Tasha.”

He smiles. “Good. I know how much they mean to you.” May has always been reserved, but to those few she considers her friends she is very close and fiercely loyal. She and Barton are especially close, friends since they started at S.H.I.E.L.D. At one time he had felt some jealousy towards Barton, but if seeing him is going to make her feel better, he is not going to protest.

Romanov and Barton arrive a few minutes later, and Barton gives May a mock salute when he sees her. “If it isn't the famous Cavalry,” he says.

May glares at him. “Don't call me that.”

“Relax May, it's just a nickname. You don't see me getting upset when people call me Black Widow,” Romanov says.

“Besides it's meant to be flattering. You should hear what the S.H.I.E.L.D. academy students are saying about you,” Barton adds.

Coulson can see how uncomfortable this is making her, and he quickly changes the subject. “So Tasha, did they manage to fix things with that plane you were testing out?”

“Sort of. It's still not as maneuverable as it should be, but they upgraded the engines. It should stay in the air at least even if I have to take evasive action.”

“I took a look at the specs before I came over here. It's awfully big. What are they planning to use it for?”

“Troop transport. They wanted to build the biggest bird possible so they could move large forces, but it's really impairing the maneuverability. This thing's almost as big as those clunky old mobile command units you guys used to fly around in back in the 90's.”

“I loved those things,” Coulson admits. “I think it would be great if we could have a self-contained unit in the field instead of having to fly everything back to S.H.I.E.L.D. stations for analysis.”

Barton laughs. “Coulson loves old shit like that.” He looks at May as if expecting her to chime in, say something about his apartment full of collectables, but she just gets up and walks towards the bathroom.

“Are you okay?” Coulson calls after her, but she does not answer.

“Coulson, relax,” Barton says once May is out of earshot. “You're hovering like you're her mother.”

“I'm just worried about her. She hasn't been like herself.”

“She's just a little more quiet than normal,” Barton says. “She'll snap out of it. We’ve all been through tough missions before.” He glances at the bathroom to make sure that she is out of sight and then sprinkles some powder on the floor beside the booth.

“What did you do?” he asks.

“You'll see. But if you don't want to be collateral damage, you might want to sit a little further away.” 

Coulson glares at Barton. “Clint, what is that?”

“It’s nothing. Some stuff I got from the Research and Development guys. It’ll make a flash of light and some noise when she walks on it.”

“Oh.” It sounds like the kind of prank she has always loved.

When May gets back, they are discussing what snacks to order.

“What do you think May: nachos, wings, or cheese sticks?”

“Wings,” she says as she gets into the booth.

“I thought that's what you'd say.” Clint smirks, and suddenly there is a faint hissing sound from the floor.

Everything happens at once. A sharp crack fills the bar followed by flash of light. Before anyone can register what has happened May has reached over and slammed Coulson’s head down on the table. Barton stands up, mouth open in shock, but before he can say anything she pulls him out of the booth, throws him to the ground, and kicks him in the ribs. Barton manages to roll away enough to soften the blow, but her foot still lands with a sickening crack.

Before she can do anything else, Romanov tackles her and slams her face first against the ground. It is the wrong move because May slams her head backwards into Romanov's face and rolls out of her grasp. She retreats a few paces and sizes them up, looking more like a caged animal than their friend.

Coulson feels dazed both from the blow to the head and by what is happening. “Melinda!” He raises his hands above his head. “We're not going to hurt you.”

“Speak for yourself,” Barton groans from the floor. He picks himself up off the floor. “What the hell, May?”

Her eyes seem to focus on them as if looking at them from a long distance. Then she bolts out the door.

“What the hell was that?” Barton asks. He rubs his chest. “It was just a prank.”

“She hasn't been herself since Bahrain,” Coulson says.

“What does that mean? Has she freaked out like this before?” Barton asks.

Coulson shakes his head. “She’s been almost catatonic. She's upset about what happened.”

Romanov shakes her head. “This is more serious than just being upset.”

“What happened in Bahrain?” Barton demands.

“I don't know. She won’t tell me,” Coulson admits.

“What are we going to tell Fury?” Romanov asks.

“Fury doesn't need to be involved,” Coulson says.

Barton and Romanov exchange a look. Barton says, “May just attacked three S.H.I.E.L.D. agents without provocation. She's a danger to others, maybe herself. There are protocols for this.”

In fact Coulson had looked up those protocols just that afternoon. “I’m aware of the protocols when an agents has become psychologically compromised, but they don’t apply here,” he says stiffly.

“She needs help. Before she hurts someone else, or herself,” Barton says.

Coulson knows that they are right, but he cannot make the call to Fury that would send a team of S.H.I.E.L.D. agents after her. “She's our friend.”

“Let's just find her first,” Romanov says.

*****

When she leaves the bar she is not sure where to go. She does not want to go back to Coulson's apartment or temporary housing. Without thinking she finds herself wandering towards Central Park. She likes the park. It is a little oasis of fake-nature in the middle of the city, and at the moment the idea of being surrounded by nothing but trees is very appealing.

She is not sure what just happened. When she heard the crack and saw the flash of light, it was as if she were back in Bahrain facing down the gifted woman and her followers. She had moved on instinct, and by the time she realized what had happened it was too late. Again.

She passes by a New York City police officer who looks concerned when he notices her trajectory.

“Ma'am, where are you going?”

“Central Park.”

He frowns. “It's really not safe after dark. There are muggers, drug addicts, all kinds of people in the park this time of night.”

It is the first thing since Bahrain that makes her want to laugh. She wants to tell the police officer that criminals in the park should be afraid of her. She does not say anything though but enters the park without another word.

Inside she is almost immediately surrounded by darkness. Even the noises of the city are muffled by the trees. She feels like she can breathe here and think, away from Coulson's hovering and the chatter of their colleagues at S.H.I.E.L.D. She is not blind to the way that Coulson worries about her, the way he has been trying to take care of her. As if sandwiches and sex and love can erase what happened, what she did. She appreciates the effort at least. She had hoped that seeing Clint and Tasha would help in a way that Coulson cannot. After all, they are specialists like her. If anyone could understand what she has been through it would be one of them. But the events at the bar have only served to emphasize that she is not the same person she once was.

She wonders what they did after she left. Did they call in an incident report to S.H.I.E.L.D. Headquarters? If they did she soon will be surrounded by agents to take her to a padded cell. But as the hours tick away she realizes that no one is coming for her.

During her day off after the briefing, she had wondered how she could possibly continue being a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, but going back to work had actually been a relief. The mundane office work that she used to find so frustrating is oddly soothing. She knows Coulson means well, but it is a relief to get away from his watchful gaze every day and hide in her cubicle behind a tower of paperwork. But she does not know what will happen when they want to send her out into the field again. She used to be so confident and fearless. Now she cannot even go out for a drink without having a breakdown.

She is surprised to see the light still on when she gets back to Coulson's apartment. He jumps up from the couch where he has been staring at his computer.

“Melinda! Where have you been?”

“Walking.”

“We looked everywhere for you. Where were you?”

She wonders who he meant by we. Phil, Clint, and Tasha? Or S.H.I.E.L.D.? “Central Park.”

“Why did you go -” he shakes his head “Never mind. It doesn't matter. Melinda, we need to talk.”

She just looks at him expectantly.

“Ever since Bahrain, it's like you're another person. And after tonight -” He trails off and starts again. “I know that something terrible happened in Bahrain. You won't tell me what it was, and I have to respect that. But you have to let it go. Whatever happened with the gifted woman, you have to let it go, so you can move on.”

He looks so worried about her. He is clinging to her so hard, but she knows that she is only pulling him down with her. He is right. She needs to move on, to let go of who she used to be, and accept who she is now. “Okay.”

He looks relieved. He wraps his arms around her and holds her tight. “I love you, Melinda. I'm always going to be here for you.”

“I know that. I love you too, Phil.” She gives him a forced smile. “We should get some sleep.”

He falls asleep almost instantly, one arm wrapped around her protectively. She forces herself not to pull away. Then when she is certain that he is sound asleep, she gets up and quietly gathers her things. She is gone before he wakes up.


End file.
